He's yelling about weapons during X-mas again.
A primer to the masculinities found in gift-giving during the holidays.
I don’t own a hunting knife. But around this time each year, I’m tempted to ask for one. This, surprises even me.
Bringing home a weapon has nothing to do with any doomsday prepping or actual hunting on my part. As a documentarian focusing on the world of masculinities, and as a love/hate follower of men’s lifestyle accounts, I’m inboxed a lot of gift-buying options, especially during this time of year. Since these what to buy the guy in your life Mailchimps come in bulk, I’ve spotted patterns. Apparently, men want a range of five things as gifts. The beard maintenance and whiskey-as-identity-marker businesses are a-booming. The legacy of what James Bond wore on his wrist still dominates the men’s watch-selling market. And, the equation, man PLUS holiday gift has now also equaled hunting knife. By the way, you’re not just limited to the suggested 4-inch metal model—feel free to go for a Swiss Army option or, level it up, homie, and purchase a hatchet for your man’s stocking ésta navidad. Just keep make sure to keep it sharp and shiny this season!
As much as I roll my eyes with all the scant gift options marketed to men, the branded repetition does work. I find myself asking whether I, too, should buy a shiny arsenal to feel more like John J. Rambo or need to ask for a luxury gallipot that includes musky oils to make my beard smell more like Canadian pine this winter.
It’s been enough of a personal obsession that we tackled this very subject in a holiday gift episode of Other Men Need Help.
Here we are at the end of 2023 and we arrive, again, in another season where I scream into the void1 about knives2.
And every year, I have my edits to these buying guides. Today, we share the top five products we’re selling in this year’s Other Men catalogue.
Does the man in your life avoid familial confrontation, get nervous about chatting with your aunt who is more abysmal at small talk than he is, or hides in the bathroom for long periods of time when there’s company during the holidays?
Go home-made this year and make a shakeable snow globe of his social anxieties!
We have a short, instructional how-to video here.
He wants friends but the only option seems to be socializing around sports. But when he gets invited to watch games with co-workers, he feels too old to ask: how is this game scored?, why did everyone just yell at the ref?, isn’t the name of this team technically a hate crime at this point?
Hey we get it—not everyone gets sports. That’s why your favorite smartphone providers have created The Sports Translator. It sits secretly in his ear and quickly translates what he’s watching into shareable enthusiasm. Get reminded to cheer when a ball is fumbled. Find yourself jeering when the other team gets a foul shot. Know a player’s batting average before your co-worker has a chance. Shoot, just know what batting average means!
With The Sports Translator, he can make friends and become the secret sports wiz before half-time.
Remember Revenge of the Nerds or Sixteen Candles? Well, it’s best not to because you were raised on a number of films that comedically use sexual assault as plot devices! Wanna revisit C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man but, you know, without the—yikes—blackface? If he wants his nostalgia served in healthy and small bites, sign up for this Blu-ray subscription service which only sends collectors the movies from their youth that HAVE aged well.
With this collection, you pick the era of your youth, and based on the metric of modern day cancellation, you’ll receive a crop of nostalgic entertainment that’s ripened, instead of rotted. Get ready for ONLY about two movies to arrive in your collection during your lifetime subscription—you’ll be surprised which ones made it!3
He likes new technology and video games, but he’s not really into most gaming options. And let’s face it, he’s a bit of a softie. Get him TiOS—the only OS and VR headset that simulates long embraces from Caribbean uncles. Each headset brings in haptic technology that mimics firm shoulder pats and epic Old Spice scented hugs. Had a tough day? TiOS binaural speakers make it feel like you’re receiving a chorus of praise with rounds of Bien Hecho’s from our simulated viejitos.
Watch that sonrisa light up on his face.
For the man who just can’t live without gifts involving facial hair or bourbon, we present WHIEARD—the only whiskey made FROM beards. It’s legitimately nasty, but hey, for those really tough fellas out there, trust the brand’s slogan: We put hair on your chest cavity.4
Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
🏅 this week’s staff picks 🏅
🚻 Are comedians allowed to be attractive?
💃🏽🕺🏽 One of my music streaming platforms shared my top songs listens of the year. As we North Americans move into our chilly season, I’m happy to be reminded of one of my favorite 2023 repeat listens, Un Verano en Nueva York.
🎧 Such lovely voices (and imagined smells) with the grandma chefs of Staten Island!
👔👗 Want to smell like a "real man”? In the 1970s, Charles Bronson sold a cologne in Japan called Mandom—the commercial is two minutes you don’t want to miss.
🎥 I didn’t expect to find myself so moved learning about by John Woo’s upbringing.
(Pssst, want more film recommendations? Follow me on Letterboxd)
Adios, ciao ciao, byeeeeeeeee,
Mark ✌🏼
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Substack.
Without the Substack, it’s ok to be worried if you caught me yelling about weapons.
We know you’re wondering about our beloved The Princess Bride—you’ll just have to wait and see!
[FINE PRINT] When we say “chest cavity”, we really mean “esophagus”.