If there’s advice I received as a child that I’m now applying to my adult life, it’s that after a certain age you stop caring about a lot of things. Sometime this year, I noticed I stopped worrying if men would judge me for not knowing a lot about sports. For decades, I tried convincing myself that this would be the year when I’d keep up with one team or one sport as a way to ease my connections with athletic-minded peers. But nope, I haven’t been able to do it. And you know what? It’s fine. I have friends who are big sports heads and they don’t mind, and I’m not bothered when other men talk about a game and I shrug. It’s been a wonderful life shift.
However, there’s still something I call a “masculine bell” that sits in my gut. It’s a code-switching notification. It happens when I drop the car off and change the timbre of my voice to mask the fact that I won’t understand anything my mechanics are talking about. It’s the “tough guy” shift in my walk when I pass a huddle of men at night. Sports talk fit in this canon for years. I imagined it was an insecurity; a want to be part of the club. I no longer think that’s the full truth. The ability to talk about sports or appear ready to rumble in front of some nocturnal blokes are mechanisms of protection — some version of confirming that I am safe in your care.
What hasn’t changed as I’ve gotten older, is the ringing of a different “masculine bell”. In fact, it’s probably grown over the years. It’s one that rings during the appearance of tenderness.
It’s my bridge, man, and when I spot it, there’s a carillon that chimes in my belly. It appears when I catch teens geeking out over magic during a subway ride. Or when two men eat their Golden Krust takeout lunches, smile and talk about how it reminds them of the meals they get at home. If I’m lucky, I spot a few of these moments daily. But you gotta look for them. Need a little boost in your day? Navigate to to the kindest place between men on the internet — the comments section of disco songs and 20th century ballads on YouTube.
My friend circle is a super approachable, tender bunch. And over recent years, I’ve wondered how my authentic self can find that same openness and safety with the strangers I come across daily — men who, on appearance, would be more likely to only want to wave me over to chat about Pete Alonso (he plays for the Mets and I had to look that up).
11 years ago, I moved back in New York after eight years away. Since that time, I’ve found myself transplanted to two areas of Brooklyn — both filled with degrees of local gearheads, cigar chomping dark-haired daddies, y mi “Yankee-fitted” corillo. I don’t think I stick out too much but I rarely have much engagement with my neighbors. I can’t chat about cars or local sports, but I have discovered a secret to getting the men in my villages to open up — and it started three years ago with a mustache.
This spring, I worked with the wonderful team at Audio Flux to create a three minute ballad about these tender revelations amongst my neighbors and the little angel that helped make it happen.
Find out more about the secret sauce to a man’s heart by listening here. It takes just three minutes.
🏅 this week’s staff picks🏅
🚻 “Jaws is a story about men” is how Elizabeth Cantwell’s piece starts…
💃🏽🕺🏽 MFSB’s Love is the Message is not just a groove, but also has some of YouTube’s loveliest recollections.
🎧 I’ve been working with Project Pulso to relaunch their series and new season, now renamed In Confianza, focusing on redefining Latine identity.
👔👗 Jason Diamond celebrates shoulder hair.
🎥 Brown Brit is a tremendous short made up of archival VHS tapes woven with beautiful writing from children trying to understand their mother and the ways an arranged marriage buried and resurrected her identity
(Pssst, want more film recommendations? Follow me on Letterboxd)
Hubba Hubba is back for summer! We’ve got an incredible evening planned. Artist Jazmine Green joins in co-hosting duties as we present 2002’s Teknolust starring this season’s “hunk in question” Tilda Swinton. We’ll close out the evening with a DJ set from Green inspired by the film.
July 23 @ 8:30pm | Brooklyn, NY | 🎟️ TICKETS 🎟️Odd Salon is a series of cocktail hour lectures illuminating odd and overlooked stories from history, science, art, and adventure, told live, on stage. Next month, I offer a fascinating history on the hanky panky lifestyles of some of our great-greats in pre-prohibition America.
June 24 @ 7pm | Under St. Marks, NYC | 🎟️ TICKETS 🎟️
Adios, ciao ciao, byeeeeeeeee,
Mark ✌🏼
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