Staring Back: The Unseen Conversations Between Men
An invitation to a conversation between man and his dandy tailor.
“You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright
Oh, and that's alright with me.”
-“Thunder Road,” Bruce Springsteen
There’s this guy I think about a lot.
Five years ago, I was changing after a workout at Planet Fitness. On this visit, there was a shirtless guy in front of me who was inspecting his torso post-workout. We all know the move—whether skipping a meal that day or feeling good after a workout, we stand with our reflection, willing new results to emerge in our appearance. While “Mirror Bloke” was manifesting, I attempted the tried BUT tricky locker room move of “eye aversion”—trying not to have my gaze land near the bodies in front of me. It’s not always a successful endeavor, and eventually, my eyes land on another man’s body, or my eyes lock with theirs; in the case of my post-workout friend, we connected our looks. It was brief. I don’t think I offered any judgment on my face, but this short, connected glance was enough for him to deflate his body and shoulders, whispering to himself, “Fat.”
I felt terrible for my private friend. All it took was one look from another man, and he allowed himself to feel defeated.
I left hoping for him what I wish for all of us—that we have someone we can open up to about our insecurities. But, in the case of this situation, I’ve wondered, what if he came to me and told me what my gaze brought up for him? What happens when we confront what someone’s presence does to us?
It’s men from whom I seek the most validation. From the comments on a freshly-made mustache to the accolades on my cabana shirts, I have walked the earth asking men to see me. Within all those steps, I have had a number of times in my life that I’ve confronted insecurities that have popped up with certain men in my circumference—and some of those moments were recorded.
In 2018, I met designer and writer Natty Adams at a party he hosted. The goal was to find time for an interview about dandyism and men’s fashion, culminating in a custom tailoring session. Some funny feelings and memories came up during it, which I shared with Natty when I picked up my tailor-made pants. If I’m being vague here, it’s because I’m really pointing you to listen to the episode, which was re-released this week on our feed (and shared below).
This Tuesday, I revisit that moment with Natty during a virtual conversation on Instagram Live. Along with chats about Natty’s background in dressing folks of all types, fashion advice, and everything from embracing our body insecurities to how the recent election might affect small businesses like your tailor’s.
Join us on Tuesday—maybe it’ll be the prompt to share some of your own secrets with the men in your life.
Adios, ciao ciao, byeeeeeeeee,
Mark✌🏼
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As usual, Mark Pagán dives deep into a well of personal vulnerability and comes up with brilliant gems to which we can all relate. Thank you, Mr. Pagán.